Self Absorbed On The Road

For me life is a constant learning process that never ends. I’ll often reflect, contemplate, and even over analyze various personal issues that I feel need attention. I try to look at myself as accurately as I can but we all see ourselves differently than others see us to some degree.

When I travel I meet and interact with a large variety of people amongst a myriad of personality types from all over the world. This causes me to reflect more about my place in society and how I relate to others. Most encounters are brief with quick introductions and friendly exchanges of stories and information. Sometimes times you find yourself randomly meeting up with the same people from time to time at various locations and faces become more familiar. On occasion you might even travel with one another for a few days or longer which provides more of an opportunity to actually get to know one another.

Occasionally I’ll find myself traveling with someone for a period of time but it’s very different from traveling with someone I know or am committed to traveling with. First of all, solo travelers tend to be really into doing their own thing. It’s pretty much a given rule that at most any point one or the other can say, “See you later, I want to do something else”, and that’s totally fine. It creates a different kind of dynamic. Often times people are likely to talk and treat each other differently than they would someone they’ve known for awhile. In this way people tend to be bit more real and to the point. If you’re a little clued in it can be a good opportunity to get a more accurate impression of how others see and/or react to you. This all goes without saying that the way we are is often a complex result of things that happen to us throughout our life but that’s beside the point.

While traveling in Mongolia I was fortunate to meet up with 3 others to combine resources for a 9 nine trip into the Mongolian wilds. Simon took the lead at planning while Gary and Sinead fueled the enthusiasm with ideas. For me it was all good so I was content with whatever and just considered myself along for the ride which was perfectly fine in my eyes.

On the second night we chose to camp along a river. I voiced my only concern, mosquitoes, but there were few if any so I was totally fine with the site we chose. I then got on with my own business of setting up camp and took little interest in joining Gary for collecting firewood. I had a headache and couldn’t be bothered but got an arm full anyway and went back to taking care of myself. After all, I’m generally not much of a campfire person. Such was my attitude.

As I went about my business Simon asked if I’d go get another load of wood. I dismissed the request as I was busy getting myself situated. This resulted in Simon angrily firing off on me in blunt British fashion about how I was not being a part of the team, etc. Although he didn’t have to be so frank he did have a point so I gathered another load of wood. That evening I must admit, I enjoyed the campfire. And forgot about the incident.
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A few days later I was once again tending to myself and going about getting ready to leave in the morning. I dug through the group food because I knew I wanted oatmeal and just wanted to boil up a single serving, real quick, in my own pot. After all, I wanted to make it fast and easy. No problem. I even asked everyone if that was ok. Gary and Sinead didn’t seem to care but once again Simon fired off in blunt British fashion but this time less harsh and with more explanation. I was a little taken aback but Simon did have a point. I wasn’t functioning in team mode. I took a pause. Instead, I boiled up a large pot for everyone and wondered why I hadn’t thought of that in the first place? Was I really that self absorbed?

Sometimes when we hear what we need to hear and actually listen, it doesn’t feel good. However, often times we make the most positive changes by listening to and assimilating constructive criticism with No excuses and No blame. Excuses and blame are often ways to deny and dismiss responsibility.

The fact is that over the past four years my life has been intensively self oriented. I work for myself, I travel for myself (but hopefully inspire others in some way), and skate along the fringe of interaction amidst infrequent social gatherings. I have many acquaintances but few close friends and I haven’t dated anyone in the time that’s passed. I’ve done a very good job of looking out for myself and do feel blessed that I enjoy my own company but obviously things are a little out of balance. Simon delivered a message and I began to wonder in what other ways I might not be a team player amidst the field of life.

Like I’ve said in a previous post everyone is wired differently and each one of us is meant to fulfill their role in life in their own unique fashion. However, I don’t really believe life is meant to be lived entirely for oneself. I’m very good at living for myself but at the same time it leaves me wondering what my real purpose is. This riddle remains. I don’t see myself volunteering for the Peace Corps, working in disaster torn areas, living in Third World mayhem, embracing human rights issues, joining a mission group, or simply teaching English. As a world traveler these are the obvious choices but I don’t feel drawn to any. It’s very common for many travelers to engage themselves at some point or another in these causes but for me it’s different and I don’t know why.

The one thing I do know is this. Although I may be self absorbed at times I’m not selfish and entirely mean well. I may give the impression of being lazy on occasion but anyone who knows me knows I’m not the least bit lazy. I’m driven in an easy going fashion and am always motivated to do something. Perhaps I just need to shift my thinking towards finding a role within a team upon the stage of life.